(My apologies again for the infrequent updates recently. I'm still looking for a new home an am as a consequence rather frazzled and busier than usual.)
Today's word is 冠婚葬祭 (かんこんそうさい kankonsousai). It's made up of 4 kanji characters, as you can see, and each one points to a particular rite of passage in a Japanese person's life:
冠 (かん kan): 元服（げんぶく、げんぷく genbuku or genfuku)) , or in modern Japanese 成人 (せいじん seijin) - coming of age, becoming an adult
婚 （こん kon): 婚礼 (こんれい konrei) - marriage
葬 （そう sou): 葬儀 (そうぎ sougi) - funeral rites
祭 (さい sai): - all other festivals and special events
In Japanese society, there are a lot of rules that one is supposed to follow to maintain smooth interpersonal relationships. A large part of that is the giving and receiving of gifts or money on special personal occasions, or 冠婚葬祭. The rules are so complicated that there are books and websites that instruct people what to give, who to give to, how much to give, as well as what to write, how to thank someone, congratulate someone, or send condolences and so on, depending on the occasion and who you are.
Here are some examples:
At New Year's, older relatives are expected to give the children of close relatives お年玉 (おとしだま otoshidama), a money gift. How much you give depends on the closeness of the relationship, the age of the child, and so on.
When someone dies, one brings an envelope with money when one pays their respects (as well as flowers etc.)
When you move into a new neighborhood, you are expected to introduce yourself to the neighbors on both sides, to the front, and to the back of your new house, but not necessarily to the neighbors diagonally next to your house. (If an apartment, you also introduce yourself to the neighbors above and below you.) You usually bring a small gift of something edible like a box of cookies or similar.
Twice a year, in the summer （お中元 おちゅうげん ochuugen) and at the end of the year (お歳暮 おせいぼ oseibo), you are supposed to show your thanks to your boss and other people you are obligated to show gratitude for, by sending them gifts.
When someone gets married, people send them gifts of money rather than things (no bridal registries!)
Gifts are expected for graduation or starting a new level of school, retirement, when a child reaches the age of 3, 5 or 7, and on and on. The recipient also has to give back a thank-you gift to the giftee! (Note: Perhaps surprisingly, birthday gifts are not traditionally given, though they are popular in recent years, like Christmas gifts.)
As you might guess, all of this gifting back and forth is a big business in Japan, and it can get quite expensive. Most people budget a serious chunk of their income for 冠婚葬祭 gifting purposes. But this is just considered a necessary part of living in the society.
Some years ago I picked up an American household money management book in the bargain bin of a bookstore (Barnes & Noble actually) in New York. It wasn't evident from the cover, but it was written for practicing Christians. In the book, the author listed some fixed expenses that she thought every household would have. One of those fixed expenses was for tithing; she recommended 10 to 15% of ones net income. I thought that's a lot to give to your church (disclosure: I grew up with Christian and general Shintoist-Buddhist parents, and as an adult I'm sort of agnostic/non-religious). But then, most Japanese household budget books and articles recommend setting aside a very similar amount of ones income for 冠婚葬祭 expenses, which are also described as お付き合い (おつきあい otsukiai), getting-along-with-people, expenses. It may be a stretch to say that interpersonal/societal gifting in Japan is the equivalent of giving to your religious institution, but you could argue that both types of spending help to keep ones place in life more acceptable.
Further reading
- This Japanese site lists a whole bunch of rules to follow for 冠婚葬祭 situations, as well as general etiquette and so on.
